Roast Your Friends
Like a Pro.

Dave. David. "Have you tried turning it off and on again" Harrison. We gather here today not to say goodbye, but to finally tell you what we've been thinking for three years. Dave is the kind of developer who opens a Jira ticket to report that his coffee mug is empty. He once spent four days refactoring a function that ran once a month, in a cron job, on a server no one can find. The pull request had forty-seven comments. He responded to all of them. At 2am. On a Saturday. His commit messages are things of legend: "fix stuff," "more fix," "ok this is actually the fix," and the immortal "DO NOT MERGE — asking for a friend." Dave, you shipped genuinely brilliant things here, buried under forty layers of console.log statements you swore you'd remove before the PR. You never did. We archived them as artefacts. Good luck out there — they don't know what's coming.