The Roast of Tom Brady

*(Strolls to center stage, adjusts mic, smirks at Tom Brady sitting in the audience)* **ME:** Tommy, Tommy, Tommy... look at you. You’re like a fine wine—except you’ve been uncorked, recorked, shaken back up, and now you’re just spilling all over the place in Las Vegas. I was told the VIP section was for *invited* guests—you must’ve thought you were at the Roast Draft Combine. *(Pause, crowd titters)* You retired from football twice. The first time, you did it for Gisele. The second time, you did it *to* Gisele. I’ve seen touchdowns less forced than your marriage ending. You chose a leather helmet over a supermodel—that’s not a Hall of Fame decision, Tom, that’s a $375,000 divorce bought with crypto you don’t understand. And then there’s the Netflix roast *you* headlined. You sat there like a mannequin at a fire sale. Smiled so stiff, my grandpa’s hip replacement looked more natural during a TSA pat-down. You became a meme mid-laugh. They had to edit your highlight reel just to get a pulse. Now you’re standing here, uninvited, at Kevin Hart’s roast—like a podcast host who’s run out of ads for manscaping. *(Audience chuckles)* You called Kevin a hobbit. Pot, meet kettle—you’ve never been seen in the same room as a salad, and you only become visible in the fourth quarter of a relationship. Then there’s the affair jokes. You stood on this stage and joked about Kevin’s 2017 cheating scandal in Vegas. Let’s be real, Tom—that’s not a joke, that’s projection. *You* cheated on Gisele with a football. At least Kevin’s scandal involved another person. *(Laughs, gathers energy)* And the final punch—the capper, the goodbye. You showed up and flirted with Kevin’s wife Eniko in front of him. Bro, that’s not comedy, that’s a midlife crisis in a cashmere hoodie. You’ve been divorced once, cheated on once, and now you’re on a date night crash course while your ex-wife houses half of South America in organic pantries. You’re not the GOAT here—you’re the *ghost* of the guy who tried to be. *(Simmers down, direct eye contact)* I mean, honestly—you retired from football, unretired, retired again, and showed up here uninvited? There’s only one thing you can’t retire from, Tom: being the most awkward party guest in sports history. Nice to meet you. Again. And again. And again. *(Tosses mic, walks off as crowd roars)* — Delivered by Splouf.com, purveyors of premium nonsense