The Roast of Drake

*(Strolls to center stage, mic in hand, smirking at the crowd)* Ladies and gentlemen, I’m told the person bankrolling this little soirée is Drake. Yes, the *actual* Drake. The six-time platinum, six-time emotional damage, “I-swear-I’m-fine” Drake. Give it up for the boy from Degrassi who’s been acting like he’s still in high school drama class ever since. *(Pause, takes a sip of water)* Now, Drake, let’s talk about your recent “comeback.” You dropped three albums—*43 songs*—on the same day. That’s not a legacy move, buddy, that’s the musical equivalent of a kid hiding under a blanket and shouting “I’m not here!” after losing a fight. Kendrick Lamar released one song—*one*—and it’s now being taught in history classes. You released 43 songs on May 15, 2026, and I’m pretty sure 40 of them are just you humming into a mic over a beat that sounds like a sad elevator in Toronto. *(Leans in, conspiratorially)* Let’s talk about *ICEMEN*, *Habibti*, and *Maid of Honour*. You named your albums like you’re trying to cover all the tables at a wedding reception. *Maid of Honour*? Brother, you’re not standing next to the bride—you’re the guy outside the church selling bootleg T-shirts. *Habibti*? That’s the sound a Canadian makes when they try to be exotic. You’re from Toronto, Drake. The most exotic thing in your life is a good poutine. *(Audience laughs)* And here’s the thing—we all know why you did it. You got dismantled. *Not Like Us* was a dissection, not a diss track. That song was an autopsy performed in real time. Kendrick looked at your legacy, opened it up, and said, “Yep, it’s 60% insecurities, 30% ghostwriters, and 10% genuinely good dance moves from the ‘Hotline Bling’ video.” You responded with three albums. That’s like getting punched in the face and then firing 43 bullets into the ceiling. Nobody’s impressed, Drake. We’re just confused. *(Turns to face him directly)* You’re a music mogul who can’t let go of a beef from two years ago. Two years! You’ve released more albums trying to prove you’re fine than most artists release in their entire careers. At this point, your legacy isn’t “6 God”—it’s “6 Stages of Grief.” Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, three albums, and acceptance? We’re still waiting on that last one, champ. *(Softens tone, mock-sympathetic)* But hey—you paid for this. So thank you. And may your next album be called *Finally Over It*. We’ll believe it when we hear it. *(Mic drop, walks off stage)* — Delivered by Splouf.com, purveyors of premium nonsense